Blowback
by BellaDameNoir
Summary: ONE-SHOT Blowback: the unintended adverse results of an action or situation. This takes place 7 months after the S3 Finale. BEWARE*WARNING*You may not like this one as it is completely different from other writers postings. I love OLITZ; they are the endgame but some things need to happen first; at least in my head. This story is told from Fitz's point of view.
1. Chapter 1

"_I don't know what you want me to say," my voice was strained, weary. It's been a long time since I heard myself sound this way. I kept my gaze downcast so that she wouldn't see the pain in my eyes. Of course, it hurt to see her show up to the WHCD with Jake, her fiancé. No matter how much I tried to prepare myself for that moment, the acute sharpness of the heartbreak still resonated. I was a seasoned politician though, so I smiled, shook their hands and welcomed them as I politely as I welcomed many other guests. _

_I reminded myself that she returned because her father was dying. That's it. That's all. _

_I steered clear of them all evening. I weathered nervous looks from Cyrus, Mellie, Andrew and even Karen, my date for the evening. I knew for the most part they were all afraid of what her appearance would do to me; whether the six months of therapy healing techniques would suddenly be undone and I would revert back to the destructive version of myself. I was determined to make them, especially Karen, proud of me. I could do this. I could do this._

_And then she asked for a moment alone. Why did she have to do that? Why couldn't she have just left with her soon-to-be husband and allowed me to go back to my prison? It would have been better for everyone, wouldn't it? _

_After exchanging superficial civilities that really didn't address how either of us were feeling, we embarked on several minutes of coded silence. I stood with a wide gulf between us waiting for her to respond. _

"_I…I…."_

_As usual she had difficulty expressing herself to me. I always found that odd. I was the person she claimed to be in love with but she could never communicate her feelings to me. Why could she tell everyone else what she was feeling but never tell me? I forced myself to dismiss the thought and concentrate on the present. In the past I would try to infer what she meant to say; I would look into her eyes and somehow I would know but apparently the truth and what I convinced my mind to believe were two entirely different things. _

_It appeared she changed her mind on what she originally wanted to say. "You're divorced," she now said in a low voice but I could still hear the shock of the revelation. It was understandable; I had been threatening, promising to divorce Mellie for five years and let everyone, including her, talk me out of it. _

"_Yes, one month now." It seemed as though she recently found out which didn't make sense as it had been the main headline in every newspaper, magazine, telecast and social media site for months. Maybe she had purposely kept herself secluded from any news related to me. _

_I could have told her that Mellie was happy with Andrew and they had a plan to announce their relationship after a respectable period of time. But then I knew she would recognize it as the plan she created for us so long ago. I didn't have the energy to entertain all those memories. What would be the point of it anyway?_

_I took a seat on the garden bench and waited patiently as more silence ensued. I refrained from looking her directly in the eye, thinking perhaps it would put less pressure on her. We needed to get this conversation done and over with._

_She didn't sit next to me and somehow I was relieved. Did I change that much? How could I not want to be as close to her as possible? It was a tricky thing to want something so bad but force your mind to reflect on the reality of permanent consequences over temporary benefits. I didn't want to fall backward again. I had worked hard to come out of my hole of misery. I wanted to move forward. I needed to move forward for my own sanity._

_I could tell she was struggling to find her words but eventually they poured out. "I want to know why?...Why aren't you angry at me? Why have you accepted this…..this life!...Why didn't you come looking for me?" Her tone was indignant but desperate. I knew it embarrassed her to say so much. She rarely let me see the vulnerable side to her; she kept it well hidden behind. She always wanted to be so strong, confident and bold. I wish she would have believed me when I told her I adored all parts of who she was; every flaw and every achievement. But she never did._

_I couldn't contain my look of disbelief. She wanted me to be angry. She wanted me to chase after her. She wanted me to drag her back here. What was this, a twisted game she played to test my love for her? _

_I felt a headache coming on. I was frustrated. I thought I had done the right thing. I heard her when she told me she didn't need protecting; she didn't need a hero. I heard everything and I understood it. I understood that my place in her life never required such grandiose gestures of salvation and any attempt to display them would be rejected by her anyway. She wanted to save herself. And I did not interfere with that. _

_Now I was being chastised for not coming to her rescue. But how do you rescue someone from a life they've chosen to secure their happiness only to forcefully bring them back to a life of heartache? I shook my head as doubt over my own actions or lack thereof started to take over. Would things have been different had I looked for her, forced her to come back? I seemed to never do what she wanted me to do and she was never willing to tell me exactly what she wanted. So much confusion and misdirection; a lack of communication, expended energy with nothing accomplished. _

_I finally stood up and looked at her. Did she always look this small and fragile or was it my skewed perception? She should be happy now; she could have a life and no longer have to hide a relationship in the shadows under the looming threat of exposure. Why wasn't she happy? Even from the wide berth of distance between us I could see her eyes brimming with tears ready to fall at any moment. She thought me indifferent; that I no longer loved her; that I no longer cared. She was so wrong; my love was never that shallow. I loved her now as much as ever; I loved her enough to let her go. _

_I took a deep breath, wanting to choose my words carefully. "Li….Olivia," I started and then cleared my throat. She was no longer my "Livvy"; I didn't think I had the right to call her that anymore. Her eyes widened at my correction, she recognized my refusal to use the endearment._

_I didn't address it. I just continued speaking, "Everything you said….that was me when you first left, seven months ago. I was angry and I didn't want to accept it. I was…." I stopped short because I didn't want to discuss who I was back then. She didn't need to know that. "But what have you been begging me to do for years?" _

_She looked away as if she didn't want to face the answer. _

"_You asked me over and over to let you go. And I did. I let you go. I wanted you to be free of all this...of me and all the burdens that came with my life. I was always your 'damsel in distress' needing, waiting on you to save me, making you sacrifice pieces of yourself to keep me here. I couldn't do that to you anymore. I wanted you to be happy….You don't realize how hard it was for me to see that dead look in your eyes, knowing I was the cause. To hear you speak of unfulfilled promises, broken dreams and sleepless nights, knowing it was all because of me. It was selfish to keep you tied to me. I felt like I was destroying you…..I had to…." My own voice was breaking from the emotions of admitting I failed her in this relationship. _

_I was determined to get it all said. "I had to let you go. I didn't treat you the way you deserved. I failed you….I loved you and I had to let you go."_

_Tears were burning my eyes; I could barely see. This was our goodbye. It had been delayed for seven months but it was happening now. It was a good time for it; I wouldn't have accepted it before. I would've fought her on it; I would've made her feel guilty for leaving me and she would've caved to please me. We had done that dance before; it was a horrible cyclical process that in the end still left us saddened and no closer to reaching what had been our goal._

_I gave her a fleeting smile, the one that told her everything was going to be alright. _

_I knew there was more she wanted to say but I also knew she wouldn't say it; that was her way. _

_I turned and started to walk away. I didn't get a few steps before I heard Jake's voice behind me saying, "Olivia, there you are."_

_I didn't turn around. The Secret Service fell in line with my step and we continued to walk to the car. _

_I knew Jake heard our entire conversation and was likely waiting in the wings for the opportune moment to show himself. Jake was still an asshole but I couldn't blame him for loving her and giving her everything I couldn't. _

_It had already been arranged for Karen and Teddy to spend the weekend with Mellie so I sat in the back of the car alone; reprimanded by my thoughts. I was being taken back into that large foreboding house; back into the life I shaped for myself; back into my own world. The sacrifices people made to put me here, keep me here were great; too high to pay. The least I could do was set them free and serve out my sentence alone. It was penance for the greatness I sought to achieve. _

**_(A/N: I applaud any of you who endured this one-shot. It kept rolling around in my head and I had to get it out. As I previously warned, I know most of you didn't like it and it was completely different from what others have written about what happened after the finale. But this is just my version. Anyway, now I can get back to my updates, edits and reviews. Thanks for entertaining my rambling thoughts again.)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I'm going to ask Olivia to help me prepare for the campaign."

I didn't have a response to that statement and I didn't think she was really requesting my input so I remained silent.

Mellie used the silence to her advantage. "I figure I will need a year to get prepared to run...I want to make myself visible...slowly, I think...you know there's a pace to these things. But still I need to stay relevant and people need to see me apart from you...apart from being First Lady; taking a stand on particular issues that are important to me. It's the first step for me, being on the forefront...gaining my own political capital."

To be honest I only heard every third word of what she said. Overtime, I had learned to wait until the end; allow her to ramble on uninterrupted and wait until a question was asked of me. Then I would respond. It was the easiest way to get through a conversation. So I waited for the question, but it never came.

"Fitz?" She called out into the receiver as if I had suddenly become hard of hearing.

"I'm here and I heard you."

My lack of response was irritating her. I could practically see her rolling her eyes through the phone.

"And?"

"And what?"

She sighed sharply. "And what do you think? What do you have to say about it?... I swear sometimes dealing with you is like pulling teeth."

I closed my eyes, attempting to conjure up patience and reminding myself that this woman is the mother of my children and not just some shrew harping on my phone.

"I...I thought you wanted to go with Leo."

"That was before Olivia returned. Leo lost the campaign for Sally. I don't want a loser handling me." She said it so matter-of-factly as if all the other horrible deeds that came with the campaign didn't even occur. Mellie had a tendency to create her own reality that didn't always line up with truth.

"Well...you need to be prepared for disappointment. Olivia may not be staying. She may be here only because of her father. She has a lot on her plate and I don't think handling your PR and political campaign can be a priority for her."

"Fitz, Olivia doesn't need you to fight her battles. She's a big girl. If she wants to say no to my offer than she can do it on her own. She doesn't need you coddling her. She has moved on and so should you." Her exasperated tone was coupled with the condescension that I absolutely hated. I could feel my temper rising. Only she had the ability to send me from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds.

"Then why are you asking me about it? Why are we having this discussion?" I didn't bother hiding the annoyance I felt. More times than not, if felt like Mellie got pleasure in deliberately goading me into an argument.

"We are having this discussion because she will need your cooperation. You promised to support my campaign and it will take this entire year for me to get ready to run. We may have to even do a sit down interview at some point to discuss our marriage and the divorce; maybe even bring the kids in..."

"NO!" I had to interrupt her when she mentioned Karen and Teddy.

"What?" She chuckled as if saying 'no' to her was unimaginable.

"I said no! The kids are not involved and they will not be involved in your campaign. They will not be doing interviews, televised or not. I don't want it touching them at all...Are we clear?" She wasn't going to use the kids as pawns to evoke maternal empathy and support. There were already whispers questioning her decision to give me full custody of the children and likely she wanted to ensure her saintly image remained intact.

"Fine." She responded gruffly but all too quickly as if she was humoring me, wagering that eventually I would change my mind.

I quickly hung up the phone. It was rude but I didn't care.

XXXXXX

Today was not the day for back-to-back-to-back meetings. I had already popped about 6 Tylenol pills trying to relieve my throbbing headache but when that subsided, the lethargy set in. I was tired and I needed to sleep for hours and hours. Last night was horrible, Karen had another nightmare. I swear each time I hear her scream in the middle of the night it takes years off of my life. I nearly broke my neck trying to get to her and I stayed with her until she could fall back to sleep, unfortunately last night she never did. Early this morning, I had the nurse give her mild sedative just so she could calm her mind and rest.

My ultimate fear is that Gerry's death will continue to haunt us all for the rest of our lives. Teddy was so young that he would hopefully remain unscathed by the incident but Karen was different. It was clear that she couldn't handle it and needed help. She had seen a therapist months ago and after a few appointments, she claimed she was fine and no longer needed to go. I encouraged her to continue but both she and Mellie no longer saw the need for it. Now, though, I was going to insist she go back. She couldn't go on this way.

I was operating on 2 hours of sleep which was definitely not sufficient considering how long-winded Cyrus could be. It took all of my concentration to focus on their words and then I heard a familiar chord; words, phrases, ideas and strategies synonymous with one person and one person only.

My look must have drastically changed because Cyrus stopped speaking abruptly. Abby, being new to the White House as Press Secretary, had no idea what was happening so she dutifully picked up where Cyrus left off and continued defending their argument.

"Abby….Abby…Abby…stop!" Cyrus demanded.

Abby stopped talking and glared at Cyrus.

I took a deep breath and pinched the ridge of my nose. It had been a month since the WHCD and still I was never going to escape this or her. "I didn't know Olivia Pope was now weighing in on matters of State."

Abby shifted nervously in her seat; her eyes frantically darting between me and Cyrus. "Sir?"

I sighed. "Abby you may not know this but I can tell when Olivia Pope is in a room, even when she is not in a room. I know her words; I know how she speaks; I know when she advises my staff and when they in turn regurgitate her words."

Abby was silenced as she sunk further into the couch. She didn't know what to say so she looked to Cyrus for a lifeline.

"Sir, despite the source, the information is sound and it should be given the proper consideration…Will you consider it?"

I could feel myself becoming irritated. Maybe it was my lack of sleep; the reminder of my deceased son or the fact that the one woman I wanted but could never have was constantly being thrown in my face. "That'll be all…I need to get ready for my next meeting." I stood up and walked to my desk. I needed to occupy my mind with something else.

"Sir?" Cyrus pressed.

"I heard you Cyrus and I said that would be all." My voice was louder and harsher than I intended but I just wanted a moment alone. As alone as I could be in this house with eyes and ears everywhere trained to constantly zero in on me.

"Of course," Cyrus conceded and I didn't look up at him again. When I heard the door closed, I assumed I was alone, but I was wrong.

"She's not doing well, by the way," Abby broached through the silence.

I just stared at her. I didn't want to know; I didn't want to care but I did. I would always care about her. Abby took my silence as permission to continue. She got up from the couch and sat in the chair in front of my desk. A soft expression appeared on her face that I had never seen; uncharacteristic of the woman I had come to know.

"I was angry when she left….I was even angrier when she came back. I wouldn't see her for a month. Finally, I broke down. I had dinner with her last night. And I can tell you for a certainty that she is not doing good. She's not the same woman that left here months ago. She's….she's a shadow of who she was. And she misses you…she misses you a lot…Look I'm not saying that she wasn't wrong for leaving the way she did and I'm not saying that you should forgive her….I'm just saying your should hear her out. That's it…that's all."

Abby stood and before leaving said, "Her father's funeral is in a couple of days. I know he doesn't deserve your consideration but maybe she does. She might need your support. I know she would appreciate it."

XXXXX

"Dad?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Thanks for bringing me…I just want to give my sympathies to Olivia. We don't have to stay long." Karen was perceptive beyond her years. She knew there was something between me and Olivia. She knew this would be uncomfortable for me and as she often did lately, tried to relieve my suffering in some way. This was not how she should be spending her childhood. Regrettably, life and circumstances and sub-standard parents were forcing her to grow up too quickly.

"It's okay Karen. It's the right thing to do," was all I could say. I wanted to say _'where was Olivia when my son was murdered?'_or _'how am I supposed to stand before the grave of the monster who murdered my son?'_ but none of that was for Karen's ears.

The car pulled to a stop and through the tinted windows I could already see the crowd of people at the grave site – family, friends, co-workers – all expressing remorse over the death of a 'great man'. I almost snorted in disbelief. This man ruined my entire life before and after I met Olivia and all I could feel was inner peace and joy at the fact that his toxic existence had left this earth.

As routine, we had to wait for the Secret Service to give us the all clear to exit the vehicle. When we finally exited, I held Karen's hand as we crossed the manicured lawn to join the other grievers.

I could feel the moment Olivia and Jake acknowledged my presence. Jake's arm drew possessively tighter around Olivia and even behind her dark glasses I could see her eyes widening in surprise.

Karen and I joined the line of people waiting to express their condolences to Olivia. When we reached them, I kept my gaze focused on Karen. I watched as she hugged Olivia and expressed her remorse over the death of her father. Karen gave Olivia a card and hugged her again.

"Mr. President," Jake said in greeting.

My face was expressionless as I nodded my head in return. "Captain Ballard." I overlooked the slight of him not saluting me as his Commander-in-Chief. Jake no longer matter to me; nothing about him entered my thoughts anymore.

"Olivia, I'm sorry for your loss," I said briefly and moved on before she could say anything in reply, although I doubt she would. I couldn't shake her hand. We could never touch again. I was afraid to feel her skin against mine. There was always a spark, an electric current that traveled between us when we touched and I didn't want to experience it. Whatever was there, now had to be extinguished permanently.

I ushered Karen to the back row of white chairs. I invited her to take a seat, while I stood flanked by Secret Servicemen. I could see cameramen keeping a safe distance but no doubt using their high-powered lenses to focus in on me. I was always a spectacle, whether publicly or in private.

I could see Cyrus, Abby and other WH workers coming to attend the services. And then Mellie with Andrew at a safe distance walking toward them as well. They were doing quite well keeping their affair a secret; it was commendable. I could only admire their discretion and candor.

From my vantage point, I saw everyone coming to speak to Olivia, who barely said a word in return. She gave weak smiles and 'thank-yous'. As beautiful as she was, she looked frail and weak. I could tell she wasn't eating properly, as if she ever did. She never had good eating habits, but this was different. The strength and power she radiated had been dimmed; darkening even more so since the WHCD. Maybe Abby was right; she wasn't the same woman after all but then again, none of us were.

The minister began to speak by the gravesite and several times Olivia turned her head in my direction. It seemed as if she was trying to confirm that I was still there. Each time she did, Jake stroked her arm. It was a typical guy move, meant to remind her that he was the one there by her side. His insecurity was telling and it gave me solace that maybe I wasn't that easily replaceable.

The minister spoke of salvation and redemption and forgiveness of sins. He recounted the brilliance of the man that lay before us. I heard his assurance that Rowan/Eli/Command or whatever the hell he called himself was now in heaven looking down on us. I wanted to laugh at the mockery. Faith and religion were always the fallback for the absolution of wicked men. If men like Rowan were in heaven then who was hell reserved for?

Much like everything else in this town, it was a farce, an act put on for the benefit of the masses. I wondered if, after my term was over and I left DC would I regain my ability to see the good in mankind without any trace of cynicism. I highly doubted it; I had been tainted beyond repair.

I was caught up in my thoughts and barely noticed that the services were ending. I remained where I stood, allowing Karen to say her good-byes to everyone.

"You're a good guy. You know that don't you?" Abby said as she walked upon me with a gleam in her eye, like she knew a secret about me that I hadn't yet discovered.

"Actually, I'm really not," I easily countered.

"Learn to take a compliment Mr. President; you won't hear many coming from me."

I found my first smile of the day. One of the things I appreciated about Abby was her sassy, no-nonsense way of censuring me. When she first came aboard, she was a little reserved, trying to find her way and fighting to build her reputation. But when the walls came down and she became comfortable with me and Cyrus, the real Abby, the ballsy one with no filter, emerged. And I liked this version much better.

"By the way, it's that dreaded time for the Hunting Party again. Care to go shooting with me this week? I need to practice in front of someone I'm not afraid to embarrass myself with."

She laughed. "Not a problem Mr. President. And I promise not to tweet about it this time." She was joking or at least I hoped she was.

Before I could say anything further, she walked away and rejoined her husband David in speaking with Olivia and Jake. Karen was busy talking with her mother and Andrew. I could feel Olivia's eyes watching me but willed myself not to look in her direction.

With a fake smile and kind demeanor, I entertained the conversations of several other people before I joined up with Cyrus and walked back to toward the cars.

"Dad!" I heard Karen call out to me from behind. I turned and waited for her to catch up.

She grabbed my hand and said, "Olivia said to tell you "Thank You"."

XXXXXX

It was already past 10PM. Andrew and I were finishing up for the evening. It was one of the three days a week where I allowed myself to work late in the Oval. Mellie and I had an arrangement for her to have dinner with Karen and Teddy in the residence on those nights. It wasn't by coincidence that Andrew chose to stay late on the same nights; it allowed him to leave with Mellie without any suspicion.

"When I first came here...I resented you...real bad. I think..I practically hated you," Andrew began. The sudden shift in conversation threw me. It was as if Andrew was giving confessional. "When you had Olivia come to me about Mellie, that was low...For her of all people to judge my relationship with Mellie?...I thought you and her were the biggest hypocrites I could ever know."

This conversation was long in coming. We had dismissed it; glossed over it and pretended everything was great between us. But it wasn't and I knew it was time to put it all on the table. He needed to talk and I respected him enough to know I needed to listen.

Andrew and I always made a great political team. He was smart, daring and yet sensible; I valued his political opinion. However, my personal life was another matter and while I could respect what he had to say, I didn't want to get into a deep philosophical discussion where he examined my psyche, my actions and intentions. I already had a therapist that was performing that tedious task on a weekly basis.

"I just...I never understood you Fitz. I never understood why you couldn't appreciate Mellie; why you kept Olivia hanging on a string; why you couldn't just make a choice and be done with it….I figured you were just a selfish son of a bitch. But I get it now. I get the frustration of hiding who you love and being weighed down by public perceptions and civic responsibilities...Still..."

He shook his head, taking a moment to gather his thoughts, "Olivia said to me once that men like me, like you, always choose power over love. Always….But I just don't know if I would have made the same choices you did."

It probably should have felt strange to be discussing this with a man who was sleeping with my wife and still pursuing a relationship with my ex-wife. Oddly, though, it doesn't bother me. I didn't feel jealous or contentious; I didn't have the urge to fight against it. I'm indifferent to it all.

"You wouldn't have…You're wiser than me Andrew. You would've known the moment you were losing her and you would've fought to keep her. You would've given up everything….everything…to keep her. I didn't and I will pay for it every single day of my life."

I wasn't looking for his pity and thankfully he didn't offer it. In the words of my therapist, I was learning to live in my truth. Andrew nodded his head in understanding, gathered the last of his papers and left the Oval.

XXXXXX

I was on my second round of news cycle. I took another swallow of my beer while I watched CNN criticize my foreign policy and MSNBC host a round-table discussion on the consequences of the Presidential Divorce. Interestingly, the women criticized Mellie while the men criticized me; I wondered if that was by design. Even though I had given a full press conference about the divorce, it was evident that none of them believed the reasons I provided. They were too busy speculating on other possible causes of the fall out. Part of their analysis was all the sex scandals I faced during my terms – Amanda Tanner, Jeanine Locke and of course Olivia Pope. When Olivia's face flashed on the screen, I felt my heart rate beat faster.

There was not a day that went by that I didn't think about her; miss her and remember one aspect of our relationship or another. But then the shroud of the darker periods would weigh in and I would wonder if I had ruined her life. Would she have been happier if she never met me?

Somewhere in the distance I heard a phone ringing. It wasn't the residence phone and it wasn't my cell phone. After several rings it stopped. I checked Karen's room and saw her phone charging on her nightstand.

Maybe I was hearing things. I decided to take a shower and go to bed. I was almost undressed when I heard the ringing again. I searched through the rooms, trying to get closer and closer to the sound.

I finally found the source of the ringing. It was a phone I had never seen before; a burner phone in my coat pocket. I had no idea how it got there or who put it there. The caller ID showed a restricted number. I almost pressed ignore but curiosity got the best of me and I touched the button to answer the line.

I could hear the faint breathing on the other end and I waited to see what the caller would say.

"Hi."

I almost dropped the phone; hearing her voice on the phone was the last thing I ever expected. I was speechless. I didn't realized how starved I was to hear her speak until I found myself clinging to and repeating her "Hi" in my head on a constant loop.

"Fitz?" her voice was barely a whisper. It was tentative, desperate, shy even; like she was afraid I would hang up in her face or refuse to talk to her.

"Fitz please….please don't hang up."

**_(A/N: I truly hadn't planned on doing this. I was going to leave the one-shot and not come back to this story but the ideas kept coming and as much as I tried to ignore it, it kept coming back. So here it is. The feedback I received for chapter 1 was better than I expected. There were some who really, really hated it. But for the most part many of you were able to tolerate the story. LOL_**

**_OLITZ is 100% my endgame but IMO they both need to be stronger in order to truly commit to each other._**

**_My idea for the next chapter will be the OLITZ conversation. I can't promise when it will be posted as I have the other stories to update but it's coming...I promise._**

**_Again, I know some of you may hate this update too and that's okay. I understand. I hate their circumstances too but as they say "it is what it is"._**

**_Thanks for suffering through the story.)_**


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